I turn 32 years old on Saturday.
I’m 22 weeks pregnant.
And we’re having a BOY.
We lost a baby in September last year and this September we’ll be welcoming our little rainbow baby into the mix.
But it doesn’t get easier.
Mentally it doesn’t get easier carrying a child after you’ve lost one. I remember feeling such a sigh of relief quietly getting through the 1st trimester. I remember feeling a sigh of relief going to the bathroom and not seeing blood. I remember feeling a sigh of relief hitting 20 weeks and the anatomy scan came back okay. I feel a sigh of relief every time I feel those little kicks…
I’m mentally preparing myself for a place for when our baby can live healthy outside of the womb. And then the next sigh of relief will be when he’s born. And then, well you know, they don’t give ya a manual…
It’s almost like the first go round I was so oblivious and naïve, I didn’t realize all of the things that could have gone wrong. And for some reason after loss, my brain goes that way now – immediately to worst-case scenario. And that just stinks, because at my core I’m a glass half full kind of person and wear rose-colored glasses all the time. So I’m currently working on that…
I hate how previous pain can steal your joy.
And I hate how our current joy can cause someone else pain.
Emotionally, I hate knowing this post in general can cause other people pain. I remember experiencing the pain.
I remember what it was like to be on the other side of those celebrating their milestone and how it made me feel. I was sad, jealous and just when I thought I was okay, I felt resentment all over again.
It was hard for me to talk to people who were expecting babies around the same time as me. I didn’t even know I was subconsciously creating distance between friends because of my own internal wounds.
Grief takes time and from what I’ve learned, it does get easier – but it never fully goes away.
On Mother’s Day I couldn’t even find myself to post “Happy Mother’s Day!” without acknowledging the pain this holiday brings so many others.
- People who have lost a child
- People who are yearning for a child
- People who have lost a mom
- People who do not have great relationships with their own mom
I have friends who experienced the first Mother’s day without their mom. I have friends who have lost babies this year. I have friends who are now moms and have tumultuous relationships with their own mother. I have friends who are still fighting the infertility journey and want so badly to be a mom.
The Lord convicted my heart with empathy like I’ve never experienced before the past 3 years and it was all due to heartache.
I simply pray for those who are hurting and praying for our heavenly father’s favor to intercede over their pain.
In the mean time – I hope you figure out what therapy works for you.
- Talking about it helped me the most.
- My experience led me to a counselor for the first time and i finally processed things… she encouraged me to grieve the things and relationships I couldn’t change. Yeah, that helped.
- Maybe nature and running works for you
- Maybe journaling is your thing
- Maybe creating a solid Spotify playlist gets you to where you need to be…
- Maybe watching trashy Bravo TV is the best (non judgmental) outlet for you
Whatever it is, run towards it.
Life is too short to hold onto grief, pain and emotions worth fighting through so you can experience joy that IS available on the other side. But it takes work. And it takes time.
So to those of you who are in a place longing for motherhood and babies, I’m sorry if this post brings you pain. I’d love for you to send me a DM so I can add you to my list of those I’m currently praying over… It’s a list I wake up and go to bed thinking about.
For those of you still reading, keep us in your prayers. If you don’t mind, could you specifically pray for peace and comfort? That would be great. I should find said comfort in knowing our story is already written and that alone should be sufficient for me. We are always under the Lord’s protection even when things don’t go our way.
I loved when Clay interviewed Sheryl Sandberg a few Sundays ago at North Point. She shared her story and said: “it could always be worse” and honestly? I love that.
Check out the interview HERE. I highly recommend it.
I recommend it for anyone who has experienced grief or know someone who is fighting a battle and you might not know what to say or how to help…
Aaaaaannndd back to my grateful rose-colored glasses I go…